Marriage

Divorce cases piling up in family courts are at an all-time high. We all know someone in our family who is divorced. Our natural negative-bias makes us think that the institution of marriage is failing. However we conveniently ignore the millions who are still (happily) married. Therefore it is fair to state that it is not the institution but our lack of adaptability to changes that is causing the issues. Times have changed; people have more physical/emotional needs that has to be met in order for the marriage to succeed. Marriage has transcended the traditional obligations of bringing food to the table, household chores, child rearing, etc.

Urban lifestyle fails to meet lot of human emotional needs which manifests itself into insecurities at later stage in life. This, in addition to the continuous exposure to ‘happily ever after’ idea of love everywhere (TV, billboard, newspaper, magazine) has led to the current marriage crisis.

When we point out an issue with an age old tradition/institution it is important that we outline a possible solution. A young individual who rebels against the traditional arranged marriage is left in the dark and may resort to not getting married. Those who fight further may be naïve enough to think of ‘live-in relationship’ as a better (nay, the best) option. If statistics from western countries are any indication almost 50% of ‘live-in relationship’ result in divorce.

‘Love’ is blatantly paraded around as the solution for the crisis and the concept is hyped up to huge proportions. One mistakes love to be an eternally ‘passionate’ state of being and leads to the earlier stated ‘happily ever after’. However reality is far from it. Being in a state of love restricts our ability to think straight, thereby exposing ourselves to make irrational decisions on deciding a life partner. We may overlook the significant incompatibility thinking that love will conquer all.

Should we then live a life of solitude and throw away all hope of having a content married life or relationship? No. On the contrary one should do the exact opposite. Solitude was a luxury among our ancestors. They never needed ‘space’; something that we unashamedly demand today. We are social beings and have to start acting like one. We have allowed our secluded lifestyle to make us believe that our emotional/social/physical/intellectual needs can be fulfilled by a single person (our spouse/partner). I’m not talking about polygamy, but the need for a social circle with friends who share mutual interests. We have high expectations from our partners that they cannot fulfill (in most cases they are not even aware of). It is very important for each person to clearly determine the expectations from a committed relationship and see if they can meet them. This should not be set in stone. People change with time and we have to adapt to the changes. It is important that we have an open-minded approach to dealing with conflicts or potential conflicts that arise in a relationship.

We live in a time when if anything is broken we tend to replace it rather than fix it. This mindset has found its application into relationships as well. Psychologists will tell you that most marriages fail because of poor communication. Communication does not mean just talking. Listening is integral part of communication. Place yourself in the other person’s shoes and empathize with their situation.

Extreme positive bias is also a cause for relationship failure. Expectations from marriage should be realistic and not optimistic. Can the other person meet your needs? Are you asking too much?

One should strive for emotional growth in a relationship and in order to achieve that one should be as open-minded as possible. As the saying goes, "Nothing worth having comes easy" and marriage is no exception.